Does Gerard need to build a bridge and get over Black Caviar? Super Bowl or super dull? Plus, McDonald’s announces its new burger: the McContador. (Okay, maybe not). Lloyd Scroope and Gerard Walsh lock horns in Counter Attack…
LS:
Tennis. Horse racing. Rugby league. Black Caviar. Tennis. Horse racing. Todd Carney’s tattoos. We could be accused of lacking variety in our to-and-fro column, Gerry.
Where’s the handball? What about bridge, croquet, roller derby, table tennis or shpooole (YouTube it if you don’t know what I’m on about)…?
Perhaps walking - an activity taken up by our friend and former colleague, David Cole - should rate a mention. It’s just as well, then, that the programs this week airing through a certain television set in Albert Street looked as though they were straight from ESPN 8 – The Ocho.
And when it comes to unusual sports, they don’t come any more obscure than American Football. Granted, it’s adored by a nation of 350 million people, attracts more television viewers than any program and lures billions of dollars worth of advertising. Imagine how bent-over the American economy would be without Super Bowl! But it’s damn strange. Monday’s decider came down to the final play.
Had a 65-metre pass from Tom Brady been snapped up by one of his teammates instead of knocked to the ground by an opponent, the New England Patriots would have been crowned ‘World Champions’! It was that close. It was the kind of finish officials of football codes in Australia could only dream.
Yet, instead of mounting each other in hysterics and dousing their coach in Gatorade, New York players simply raised their aims and smiled. I’ve seen greater celebrations at a 23rd birthday party…
* * * GW:
Sorry, did you say something? I nodded off. Something about super dull. I know a few blokes who actually took a sickie on Monday to watch those fat helmeted pretenders and some washed-up lip syncher.
It's not a sport, it's a sideshow. I have three words to say to those Aussies who slouched about on their pizza crumb-encrusted couch for four hours transfixed on this contrived Yank schlock… Get a life. 'Nuff said.
Now, onto more meaningful subjects. Did you know that the next World Croquet Championships will be held in Adelaide from April 28 to May 6? Visit www.croquetworlds2012.org and you can plan your itinerary from there Lloyd. I also know you're a bit of a bridge devotee so I'm sure you're aware that the next International Mind Sports Association Games will held this August in either Wales or France.
The Association describes competitors at this event (which I think also includes chess) as "athletes”.
* * * LS:
Of course they’re athletes. If a 130kg meathead who’s paid millions of dollars a year to waddle onto a field and drop a football is classed as an ‘athlete’, surely quick-witted mind sport stars deserve the same tag. And they’re paid pittance.
As for the World Croquet Championships, I’ve already booked my ticket. Why do you think I was Adelaide last month? To have a few beers and watch overpaid Indian cricketers misfield? Hardly. I was practising on Adelaide’s world-class croquet facilities. Have you every watched a bridge movement? I suggest you find the time.
It’s like watching Wall Street economists react to numbers that appear meaningless to most. There’s bidding, cups of tea, socialising, underthe- table deals and high percentage plays.
I’ve no idea what bridge players are on about, but it’s intriguing nonetheless. Rather like a second-week stage of the Tour de France…
* * * GW:
The second week of the TDF is all about scoffing down as many steak sangers as humanely possible. Just ask Alberto. Alberto who, you might ask? Exactly.
The little Spaniard and former TDF winner has finally been rubbed out for doping, albeit retrospectively. He tested positive to clenbuterol after the second rest day of his 2010 TDF win.
He reckoned the steak he had that night contained traces of the banned drug. A likely story.
Now, as a former Tour winner myself (Tour de Bradfordville), I know that an elite cyclist's racing diet normally doesn't include meat. Especially some dodgy cut from a mystery Spanish butcher.
If McDonald's had any marketing clout, they'd sign up Alberto today. The McContador. If it makes me go faster, I'd stuff a dozen of them down my knicks.
* * * LS:
Speaking of hamburgers, did you catch Sonny Bill Williams’ fleeting fight with Clarence Tillman the Third on Wednesday night? I got up to make myself a hamburger – the staple diet of Tillman – and returned to my chair to discover the fight was over. After only two minutes and 54 seconds.
Nevertheless the victory is Sonny Bills’ best since he systematically tore apart that Matt Lucas (the chubby guy from Little Britain) look-a-like in December 2010. They say the pen is mightier than the sword, so I’m going to assume the fist is more powerful than the keyboard.
I ought to stop writing tongue-in-cheek comments about professional boxers or risk getting my head smashed. On the subject of smashed, our soon-to-be Origin savour Josh Dugan is in a spot of bother. Apparently, he was detected drink-driving by ACT Police.
Where’s the professionalism in sport these days? You wouldn’t find an American golfer overindulging in alcohol or women. There’s no way you’d catch an Australian swimmer throwing fistycuffs or faking a hit-and-run injury to cover a certain someone’s backside.
On the other hand, John Daly and Tiger Woods are prominent American professional golfers, and Nick D’Arcy and Kenrick Monk are international-standard Australian swimmers…
* * * GW:
Hmmm. Which brings us back to the ultimate professional, Black Caviar. The champ goes around again tomorrow at Caulfield in the Orr Stakes.
The race is significant for two reasons: she lines up against some pretty decent horses (such as last year's Caulfield Cup winner) and it will be the first time she's raced beyond 1200m.
A bit like Usain Bolt running in the 400m. The great mare will have no trouble notching 18 from 18. She should roll to the front and brain them. Tune in at 3.50pm and watch poetry in motion.
For the statistically minded out there, I've worked out that she's earned about $4100 in prizemoney for every second she's raced - and she doesn't grunt or scream. A true lady.
Verdict: North-south dominant in a Mitchell movement.
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