We play soccer when it’s football.

The Stawell Gift isn’t a present.

AFL players can kick a behind and not get in trouble.

The ugliest of cricketers can still bowl a maiden over.

A grey greyhound is about as rare as a blue Waratah.

And the Queensland and NSW rugby league teams slug it out in Victoria.

I like State Of Origin only when it’s staged in either state of origin.

That of course excludes Victoria.

The state I hate.

Except of course when it’s Melbourne Cup time.

But they don’t run the Race That Stops A Nation in Sydney or Brisbane.

So why the bloody hell do NSW and Queensland play in Mexico?

Money, my Dear Watson. Money.

The G (as if we need to abbreviate the already abbreviated) can accommodate about 100,000 people and a dog.

It’s almost twice of that as the biggest stadium in Brisbane and about 20,000 more than the Olympic bowl in Sydneytown (it’s Homebush, let’s be honest).

So Melbourne gets more people through the gates … many of them locals who league marketing gurus reckon could be ripe for the conversion away from AFL.

That’s a bit like hoping the Pope swings over to ISIS.

The trouble with rugby league officialdom is they tinker too much.

It’s a simple game that caters for a certain taste (usually VB and XXXX).

And they keep pissing league loyalists off by taking it away from its heartland and soul.

The game should be run by its leading players.

Make Paul Gallen chief executive officer, Cameron Smith chief financial officer (ie, accountant) and Paul Harragon the chief (I had to throw that in).

I don’t care who wins tonight.

It should be played in Sydney or Brissy, or Goulburn or Ipswich, or Bourke or Longreach.

Whatever the result, Origin will be tainted and probably start too late anyway.

I will be watching Stephen Fry and friends on Q.I. before tending to my stamp collection.