After 45 years as a GP, Dr Robert Favaloro ponders on what it takes to build a wonderful life. How happiness can be grown and tended like a good crop. It's all about following The Rules of Life.
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Rule of Life 12- Avoid Keeping Grudges
My father's favourite movie was High Noon. In it, the baddie has kept a grudge against the sheriff who put him in prison. He comes back, with help, to get revenge - and fails. We watched it regularly and dutifully. The lesson was clear: you don't get any satisfaction from seeking vengeance and goodies triumph.
It reminds me of an axiom, 'resentment rots the container it's kept in.'
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In practice I was so often shocked to hear about estranged family members. One man never told me he had any progeny. On his death bed he told me for the first time of his son who he would never forgive.
Divorce can be a release or the start of a life of resentment. Mental health depends on us accepting our lot in life and being forgiving. So often I've heard patients say, "she (or he) makes me so mad." I had to remind such patients that we choose how we react. We can choose to keep a grudge or to forgive. I know which one is healthier.
Viktor Frankl in his small (wonderful) book, Man's Search for Meaning, tells of his time in concentration camps. He was a Jew and suffered severely. He became aware of what he called 'the last of the human freedoms.' He had the power to determine how the Nazi treatment of him was going to affect his inner self. He could choose his response. His own choices, not his circumstances, defined his identity.
Nelson Mandela said: "Bitterness only hurts oneself. If you hate, you give them your heart and mind. Don't give these two things away".
The Dalai Lama talks about the way to build a happier life. This begins with a simple act, like regularly helping others. Even if we don't feel particularly kind or caring, we find that just helping others will help us feel compassion (and then better self-worth).
Regularly engaging in positive behaviour (even just smiling) can eventually bring about genuine internal change and a happier outlook.
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