Although hundreds of books have been written (hey I might even write one), with the sole purpose of helping you along your parenting journey. They tell you what to expect, what to feed them, what dress them in and how to make them sleep.

Well, try to make them sleep. But what if your child doesn’t fit into any box or chapter you can find in the books, what do you do? I believe there needs to be a manual of sorts, which is handed to every prospective parent preferably before their bundle arrives, which is something to give you a little heads up on what REALLY lies ahead.

So in the interest of helping parents be informed, I give you a short list of potential parenting traps that you can look forward to. However I’m not offering solutions, nobody has the answers, just a little heads up... you have been warned. A toddler can go from zero to tantrum in less than point three of a second, you won’t know when, you won’t know how, but when it happens you WILL know.

You can expect them to materialise underneath your feet, the very second you lift that hot tray out of the oven. Between the ages of two to four they will spend 20 hours a day with a sticky face, which will be pressed into your bosom while you buckle them into their car seat.

Toddlers have the instincts and hearing of a cat, when it comes to food. They are very fussy, but rattling a plastic bag containing mum’s private lolly stash, will summon your child from any part of the home.

Toddlers can make a seemingly competent functioning male turn into a dunderhead Dad. This is because they save all manner of evil deeds to do while Daddy is “watching” them. Mum’s most expensive makeup will be used to colour in the cabinet, containing the television Daddy is watching at the time.

I have a theory about this; I believe that Dads develop a blind spot that is around three feet tall in their field of vision (maybe it’s that twinkle in his eye that went out?), toddlers know this and they exploit it. Toddlers can make fools of us all.

Especially during the toilet training months, when they will shout down the walls of a public toilet, so much so that you half expect to see the authorities waiting for you as you exit.

And finally, your ideals will change. Remember back to those days before baby arrived, and all the things you said you’d never do as a parent, how long did you last? You will give them a lollypop to buy you 30 seconds of quiet time to answer the phone with, and you will use one of those kiddie leashes (that we all thought were demeaning to children) after they refuse to hold your hand and you have to walk near a busy road.

And there is nothing wrong with changing your ideas, you do what you have to do to keep them happy and safe, but mostly keep you sane. This is meant to be the best part right?

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