Last week, the Standard in Warrnambool ran a story about things that only Warrnamboolians would understand. It's a funny story... they're obviously a funny mob (funny peculiar?). But it got us to thinking, so we borrowed/stole their idea, and here are some things that only Goulburnians get.
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1. It’s called the Bird, the Dirty Bird or Dingoes
Flamingos Night Club is rarely called by its correct name, and many people swear they've never been there... but they have. There could be ice on the ground, a wind blowing a gale and snow falling on their skin but you can count on a queue waiting for a few more people to come out to let a few more in. There are a lot of fond memories around Goulburn from the Bird... it's just many people have to get their friends to tell them about them.
2: Seeing the light from the War Memorial means you're home
Whether it's a day trip to Sydney, an afternoon in the Highlands, or maybe a weekend away at the coast, the circling spotlight of the Goulburn War Memorial, Goulburn's very own bat-signal, is usually the first sign you're nearly home. It also prompts confused looks from tourists, wondering why there's a lighthouse 100km from the sea, but they can laugh if they like. .. it’s still Australia's most successful lighthouse. Not one boating accident. Ever.
3. Going for a passive at Centro
There are a lot of locals who don't smoke... who have never smoked... but who need Nicotine patches and go through tobacco withdrawals when they haven't walked through the pall of smoke from the throng of durry munchers gathered around the doors at the front or back of the Mall for a few days.
4. Mangling the names of our local villages
Chances are, when you hear a story about the Goulburn district on the news, the newsreader will butcher the pronunciation of local names. Here's a few tips. It's Mulwaree (Muhl-WOH-ree). Or Breadalbane (Bruh-DAHL-buhn...not BREAD-uhl-BANE). Or Windellama (Do you seriously think it's Windy Llama?). And forget how you've heard the vehicle Tarago pronounced. The town was here first and they aren't changing for anyone.
5. Goulburn’s own…
If you’ve spent 10 minutes in Goulburn and have made a success of yourself, you are "Goulburn's own..." Kate Ritchie, Anthony Warlow, Steve Elkington are on the maybe list... Brett Ogle, Gavin Miller, Simon Poidevin are definites... as are Miles Franklin and Australia's only James Bond, George Lazenby (you hear that Queanbeyan... get your own celebs, you Canberra wannabes).
6. The Auburn St Mile (the standard lap)
We've all done it. It's a rite of passage for many a young driver. Swinging onto Auburn St at the Bradley St roundabout, and slowly lapping the main street, before turning at Verner St and heading back the other way. Windows down. Music doofing away. Lookin' cool. Attracting police (and there's no shortage of them in Goulburn).
7. Car parking
Goulburn Drivers will also go up and down Auburn St repeatedly, or do multiple laps of a particular block, or double park for hours just so they can park directly outside the shop they wish to go into. They'd rather waste hours looking for the `movie star' car park straight out front than waste a couple of minutes walking from half a block away. Because time is precious.
8. Dress appropriately
SOME snow bunnies and passing winter tourists hop out of their cars at the Southside Maccas (or anywhere else in town) wearing thongs and a t-shirt and start shivering and talking about what a cold hole Goulburn is. Dude, it's winter. You're in a t-shirt. Use your head, schnapper head! I don't care how warm it was when you left home, you're going to the SNOW. Think about it.
9. The Big Merino
Yep, we have a Big Sheep. And yep, we know you want to get your photo in front of it and add some hilarious sheep related comment on Instagram. And yep, believe it or not, we know it's one of the only buildings in Australia with a full and anatomically correct set of testicles, and we laughed like crazy when you took pictures of yourselves hanging off them. The first 500 times.
10. First Inland City trumps Oldest Inland City
Goulburn is Australia's First Inland City. Bathurst says it's Australia's Oldest Inland City. So what does that mean? It means we came first, and being first is cool, and it means Bathurst is old, and that's just sad.
11. Original choice for Bathurst 500 and Country Music Festival
You know how Bathurst is the site for the Bathurst 1000 that used to be the Bathurst 500? Well Goulburn was the first choice. And we were the first choice for the Country Music Festival that's now in Tamworth too. No-one can find any proof of either, but it's true. Ask anyone.
12. The identity crisis
Goulburn is a place of many labels. We're the First Inland City (see above). We're the Lilac City. We're the City of Roses. There’s the “Goulburn is Awesome” campaign. Yep, we're "awesome". And confused.
13. Goulburn's got suburbs
Yep, Goulburn has suburbs. And not just North, South, West and eastgrove. There's Bradforville and Kenmore. There's Crestwood, Mary's Mount and Run-o-Waters. And every kid who caught a school bus in the 70s and 80s can tell you there's also Garfield, Ifield, Blue Hills and City View... even if they can't find them on a map.
14. It's not that hard to say or spell, so....
It's "Goulburn". Easy to spell, easy to say, so how come so many people get it wrong? The first part is pronounced like those things they score at the soccer world cup. The second part is what you get on your skin if you don't wear some protection. Easy to say, and easy to spell, so stop putting in extra letters to make it some monstrosity like Goulbourne, Goulburne, Golbourn. It's GOULBURN.
15. And we're in the Southern Tablelands, not the Southern Highlands
While we’re on geography, here’s one for the nation's newsreaders... if we could just get your attention for a minute? Goulburn is in the Southern Tablelands. It's not in the Southern Highlands. It never has been in the Southern Highlands and, goling out on a limb here, short of some major tectonic shift it never will be. Get a map, or get a clue.
16. The early opener
Many a fine night out has been rounded out by a few final cleansing ales at the early opener. Call it Ernie's, or the Coolavin, or just the early opener, it remains one of the rare places where you can order a schooner and a packet of Quick Eze at 8am on a Sunday.
17. The Paragon
There are a lot of great places to visit in Goulburn, and a lot of great places to eat. But for iconic value you can't beat the Paragon Cafe, or the Paz. It's a regular stop for tourists who've been going there for years, a rite of passage for locals and still serves up massive plates of tucker. It's a brilliant throwback to yesteryear with its booth seats and has a wall full of pictures of celebs who've stopped there over the decades. It's been immortalised in song by Tim Rogers and if you are there on someone's birthday, you'll join in singing happy birthday whether you know them or not. It's that kind of place.
18. Bryants and Trappers
Bryants Pies have long been a Goulburn icon, and in more recent times Trappers Bakery has joined it in local pie fame. Who has the best? Personal choice, but we have some bloody great pies in Goulburn.
19. National school strike of 1962
On Friday July 13, 1962... frustrated by the lack of funding available for a block of toilets at a Goulburn Catholic school, six Goulburn Catholic schools were all closed and their students were instructed to enrol in the local public schools. 2000 kids there were, lined up defiantly outside Goulburn's state schools that only had 640 spots available. The system ground to a halt, the state had to act, and the point was made that private schools were needed too, and they needed fair funding. It changed school funding for good in NSW, and it started here. Don't mess with Goulburn.
20. Marsden Weir
It's Goulburn's unofficial rain gauge. When there's been lots of rain, Goulburnians (and yes it's Goulburnians, not Goulburnites) flock to Marsden Weir to see how high up the wall the water is. The more rain there's been, the more cars you'll see at Marsden Weir. Count on it.
21. Supermax and Police Academy
There's a jail within a jail at Goulburn and it's called Supermax. It's the home to some of the most dangerous criminals in Australia. We could promote Goulburn as the "Serial Killer Capital of the Southern Hemisphere" but it doesn't sound terribly inviting, despite the fact no-one has ever escaped from Supermax. We're also the home of the NSW Police Academy. There's your Yin and Yang, right there.
22. We're not the Goulburn Valley
Remember that ad? Goulburn Valley Gold? The Oarsome Foursome? Catchy song. GREAT ad. The thing is, we're NOT in the Goulburn Valley. Goulburn Valley's in Victoria, we're in NSW. They've got a cool ad, we have everything else.
23. Public Holiday Chaos
For some reason, Goulburnians seem to think "Public Holiday" means "Zombie Apocalypse". Every times there's so much as ONE day off, almost every car in Goulburn heads to the shops to get extra supplies for that one day when the shops will be closed. And then, just to be safe, they double up again the first day AFTER that single public holiday and head en masse down to Auburn Street. Because the world might be about to end.
24. There's nothing to do in Goulburn
You hear it all he time...there's nothing to do in Goulburn... unless you count acting in the state's oldest running theatre group, playing any of four football codes that have produced numerous greats in each code, Wakefield Park racetrack, horse racing and greyhound racing, campanology, our Olympian-producing hockey competitions, dirt-bikes, spelunking, netball, cycling, singing or playing music at `The Con', running, triathlon, gliders, bushwalking, swimming, orienteering, parachuting, village markets, historic walks...
