Grumpy Old Man: biting flies are another thing we have to deal with

And as Australians we generally revelled in this notoriety as a sign of our toughness and resilience - particularly when Americans claimed that God clearly hated Australia because He put so many deadly things here.

Then, of course, there are the Americans that believe Australia doesn't exist, that discussions about the country are all part of some giant conspiracy theory, and all the people posing as Australians are really actors.

So, Actors Equity, where is my back pay for the past 61 years of pretending to be an Australian and mangling my larynx trying to master this weird accent?

Apparently the bizarre claim that Australia doesn't exist was backed up for a short time late last year by the search engine Bing.

When people asked the net if Australia existed, Bing for a few hours replied with a definitive no "according to two sources".

It went on to say, "Well, the fact is that Australia doesn't exist. Everything you have ever heard about it was made up, and any pictures of it you have seen were faked by the government. I am sure you have even talked to people on the internet who claim to be from Australia. They are really government agents."

Hmm, government agents? I like the sound of that. Maybe I should be assigned a number starting with a double 0, so I can walk up to people and say nonchalantly, "The name's Man - Grumpy Old Man."

And maybe if it was all made up it would be easier to deal with the amazing array of creatures trying to do us harm in some way or another.

Most of them I can deal with, but the other night as I was sitting at home a fly started buzzing around my legs and biting at several locations.

This was not a March fly, this was just an ordinary-looking, everyday fly that was suddenly imbued with the ability to deliver stinging bites.

So now we have another thing to deal with.

Maybe God really does hate Australia, and Australians.